“The things two people do to each other they remember. If they stay together, it’s not because they forget; it’s because they forgive.” —Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal

Forgiveness is something that comes up quite a bit in therapy. When we are dealing with pain caused by others—especially significant, lasting pain that feels like a weight in our chest—how do we forgive them for the hurt they have caused us when that weight is still so very heavy? Is forgiving them equivalent to absolving them? If we do forgive, are we also required to forget? And how do we know they won’t hurt us again in the same or even worse ways?

Imagine you’re walking down a path and, every few steps, you pick up a rock and put it in a backpack you’re carrying. You continue to do this until that backpack becomes so heavy that you cannot take another step. Those rocks represent the pain, anger, and fear that come when someone you care about hurts you. The weight of all those unforgiven actions would be unbearable, and you would crumble under it. If you can’t take another step, you stay exactly where you are, never able to move forward. That’s what not forgiving does to your life: it stops you in your tracks because the fear of letting go of the pain—and what that might mean—feels so much bigger than just choosing to let it go.

There are multiple ways to forgive—it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Sometimes the people who hurt us are genuinely sorry. If they express that remorse, commit to not making the same mistake again, and show changed behavior, the best type of forgiveness you can give them isn’t “letting go” of what happened. It’s choosing not to use their past mistakes against them because they have made it clear that they have learned an important lesson. Forgiveness means acknowledging that people are fallible: they make mistakes and are not perfect, but that’s all part of being human.

Sometimes the people who hurt us aren’t sorry, or they aren’t able to express remorse in a way that feels genuine. “I’m sorry you feel that way” and “I’m sorry, but I did it because…” are not genuine apologies. Apologies must come from the heart, show that the person is taking accountability, and never be accompanied by an excuse meant to explain away their behavior. Sometimes people hurt us in the same ways repeatedly, saying they’re sorry each time and promising to do better, then doing it all over again. There is no growth, accountability, or remorse in either of those scenarios. But believe it or not, forgiveness can still happen.

Forgiveness is often mistaken for something you do for other people; in truth, it’s much less altruistic than that. If we forgive others only to make them happy, ease their guilt, or keep them in our lives, that pain will still be there. We may become suspicious, hesitant, and untrusting. Eventually, it will feel even worse as we allow those fears to creep into our other relationships.

With true forgiveness, the weight of the pain, anger, and fear is lifted, and we feel lighter and able to move forward. Forgiving someone who has harmed you isn’t about making them feel better; it is about unburdening yourself of the pain you have been carrying as a result of how they hurt you. It doesn’t mean that you must allow them to continue to hurt you or even allow them to be in your life at all. Thomas Szasz once said, “The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.” Forgiveness without boundaries eventually leads to the same thing happening all over again. Sometimes that boundary is, “I forgive this person, but that doesn’t mean I have to allow them to be in my life.” In fact, I would say that people who hurt you repeatedly don’t deserve to be in your life, and that forgiving them is a gift you give to yourself, regardless of whether you choose to tell them.

Like many things, the ability to forgive and move on is a learned skill, not something you can just start doing and automatically be great at. If you’re prone to holding on to things, learning to let go of them may feel like you are betraying yourself or your feelings, but it’s really a matter of perspective. I often tell my clients that if you can change your perspective on something, you can change pretty much anything else as well: how you feel about the situation; how it affects you, your life, and your relationships; and how you deal with similar situations in the future. Once you’ve done it enough times, it becomes second nature, and the struggle ceases.

I’m definitely not saying that everything deserves forgiveness or even that forgiveness should be your automatic response to every wrong that is done to you. I firmly believe that ninety percent of a problem is how you react to it. Forgiveness is a reaction, and while it may not always feel true, we are fully capable of choosing our reactions to things that happen to us. There will always be things that we feel are unforgivable, and sometimes choosing not to forgive is necessary for self-preservation.

Ultimately, though, it boils down to picking your battles. You get to choose the things that go inside that imaginary backpack you carry around. Choose the things that help you rather than hinder you. If all else fails, take a step back from the situation and give yourself time to decide how you want to react and whether forgiveness is a possibility.

There are times, though, when forgiveness is more complicated than that. Forgiving ourselves is the hardest of all. I often find that people are more forgiving toward others than they are toward themselves. It is possible they have higher expectations for themselves than they do for others, or that they hold themselves more personally responsible for how things turn out. Let’s say you’ve had a really horrible fight with a friend, one where you both said things you didn’t mean or shouldn’t have said. Maybe you forgive that friend more readily because you know they’ve had a rough day or a difficult time lately, but you don’t grant yourself that same courtesy. In situations like this, you’re empathizing with your friend—a useful and important skill when it comes to forgiveness—but you must leave room for forgiving yourself, too.

Some people believe that staying angry is easier than forgiving. Forgiving someone is a much more difficult process than just being angry, but staying angry takes a lot more energy in the long run. Anger is a protective response: many feel that it protects them from being hurt again. But it does other things, too: it pulls you down, makes it impossible to see the good in anything, and pushes people away. Forgiveness, while definitely more difficult at first, is actually quite liberating. It frees you from negativity and lets you take those rocks out of that backpack so you can walk around without weight on your shoulders. Forgiveness allows you to distance yourself from protective responses that can hold you back.

To effectively forgive anyone, including yourself, you must practice that most difficult of virtues: patience. Forgiveness doesn’t come easily or quickly. It’s like the saying about not being able to see the forest for the trees. You may be holding on to something that seems big right now but, in the larger picture, might be small and may eventually seem inconsequential. Don’t hold on to the little things. Perhaps that is the best way to practice forgiveness: start with small things and work your way up to bigger things. But whatever you do, start by learning how to forgive yourself.